Most people talk about the subject of adolescents like they use to talk about the Native American’s; as if they’re all the same. Adolescents is the umbrella of three different and distinct stages, i.e., early, middle and late. Not only are these stages unique to each other but most people including professionals do not realize and neglect to take into consideration that teens change every two to three years. You know this if you take into consideration that a fourteen year old does not hang out with a twelve year-old, a sixteen year-old does not hang out with a fourteen year-old, and an eighteen year old does not hang out with a sixteen year-old. Adults do not even consider a two year age discrepancy an issue, but for teens its huge. That is how different this time is. Additionally, this means that every two years, parents and teens alike are stepping up to a very different ball game without a lot to lean on. It is somewhat of a slippery slope and knowing the terrain is essential.
The first stage of adolescence is the early stage which encompasses ages twelve to fourteen. This is the beginning of the separation/individuation phase highlighted by your teens not identifying his/her ego with the family but with peers. It is here that your teen does not want to be seen kissing you goodbye at school or sitting with you at the movies. In this stage adolescents identify with the parameters of what other teens consider creditable and important, i.e., clothes, music, and popularity. This is what drives them and their sense of a good self is how much they fit into this schema. If a teen is not able to fit in and feels “outside looking in” they will become solemn, depressed, even suicidal. Also if parents are too controlling or enmeshed, a teen could get guilt ridden about feeling the natural urge to separate and be internally conflicted. These are things to look out for as your child begins his/her adolescence.
The second stage is the middle stage involving ages fourteen to seventeen. In this stage the kid you typically know may go away becoming a handful. It is in this stage that peer pressure is fully on and “identifying with the other kids is where the adolescent ego is focused.” This need to identify could range from disrespect, to sneaking out at night, or use of substances. It is not done to spite you and it is best to not take it personally or venture into a control battles, but set early, firm, and reasonable boundaries with rewards and consequences to guide your child through this. At this stage teens see their parents as a nuisance identified as the bank, taxi service until they can drive, and the proverbial enforcers. They are preoccupied with walking a walk that again is different than the previous stage and unfamiliar.
The third is the late stage including ages seventeen through twenty. If adolescence has gone reasonably normal then your teenager in their junior year and beyond feels the pressure of college looming around the corner and starts to sweat. Most classes are talking about beyond eighteen and SAT’s and college applications are happening. For those students who aren’t going to college or have not done well in high school there is an undercurrent of being left somewhat behind. It may not be talked about but acting out behavior including substance indulgence is rampant. This is where guidance and persistence on the part of parents is essential. If it is about going to college, teens must be micro managed to help them stay on track to get the job of applying completed during a time of undo stress.
Adolescence is a unique and difficult time filled with turmoil and growth. Understanding and negotiating this unusual time is imperative. Your teen needs to be able to stretch and experience life with the appropriate guidance and boundaries that concerned parents can offer.